This week my focus word is “acceptance”. I’m working on accepting myself, my circumstances, and my relationships. This hasn’t been an easy task for me on the best of days so taking the time to deep dive into this intention is proving to be a challenge – but I’m ready.
Part of acceptance is acknowledging that I’ve not been practicing all that I teach. I share with my grief group participants that we should never say something to ourselves that we wouldn’t also say out loud to those we love most in this world – so part of accepting ME is also being kinder and gentler TO me in my thoughts ABOUT me.
Give some attention to your thoughts and what acceptance looks like in your life this week.
Sending love & light. xo
Long time no write! I’ve been distracted; which is my typical, muddled and cluttered brain’s habit.
It occurred to me as we are mid pandemic and people are isolated and away from their families that this holiday season marked my 3rd being estranged from my biological family members.
My first was in 2018 so 2020 makes 3.
I never imagined that the things that fractured my family relationships would carry on this long; but at this point, I can’t imagine what could mend or heal all of the many hurts. As much as I’m not the same person that I was three years ago, I have to believe that neither are those who were formerly integral parts of my everyday life.
So much has changed and I don’t even know how simple conversation could be had. That water under the bridge is icy and full of rocks and choppy.
In my journey through healing I’ve learned that there is so much that I needed to let go of. So much weight that I’ve carried that was full of guilt and self-loathing and in these last three years, I’ve learned that the letting go is a daily practice. The grounding and breathing and simply being who I am and accepting me for me is a constant internal dialogue but each day it gets a little bit easier.
Five minutes of mindfulness and meditation can save your life. I know this is true because that’s exactly how I started to heal.
Five minutes at a time.
Keep shining, friends. ❤️
There are so many lessons one learns from being the proverbial “black sheep” of their family. I decided a list might be helpful to those of you new to this role.
- Be prepared to have your phone calls and texts ignored regularly. It’s easier for everyone else to believe that you don’t exist; so when you make your presence known, it will very likely go unacknowledged. Don’t worry, though. You will get used to this in time.
- You’re not going to be invited to family things. Neither will your children. It’s easier for others to pretend that they don’t exist either. This pill is hard to swallow as a parent; it’s much easier to accept the ugly that comes your way compared to that same ugly being put upon your kids. Best advice: love them through it. Make sure they understand that love and family are unconditional and that you are there for them.
- It’s easier to love your kids always and have some grace and humility than it is to fix broken adults.
- Black goes with everything. Especially sparkly tiaras and glitter. Remember that when you feel badly that you don’t fit in or feel unloved because of your black sheep status.
- No matter what anyone wants you to believe, you are not hard to love. Love simply is. And it’s hella easy.
This pandemic hasn’t created new problems for me, personally, however, it has magnified the cracks and insecurities in my life that were much easier to ignore before I was socially locked down with no distractions from all of the wreckage that has been my journey for the last 7 years.
Talk about a hard pill to swallow.
That mess that I was effectively sweeping under the rug in every possible way, became too much anymore when I was home alone with my thoughts and my feelings and anxieties and with nowhere to run and zero distractions from what was staring me in the face.
So you know what?
I faced it head-on.
I stopped looking the other way and took a long hard look at ME and my choices. Who do I want to be in charge of the REST of my story?
I didn’t want to forfeit my ideas and thoughts and experiences to another human being no matter how much I love them anymore.
I don’t want to be a watered down version of my true self.
I want to love the things and people I love and not feel ashamed of the human being that I am. I want to honor my heart and my beliefs and I want to take my power back. I want to truly live my story out loud, with the volume way up and all the glitter I want.
So here goes.
I’m grateful that I got here but I’m sorry it took a plague to make me see where I was wrong.
I’m a naturally scattered human by nature. As I’m learning and growing and embracing all that is me, I’m trying to be more mindful of my processes and quirks and flaws.
That said, as I’m reflecting on wrapping up 2019 with a big and pretty bow, I’ve really been ALL OVER THE PLACE this year and I want (and need) to tidy things up.
I’m forever amazed that I still don’t know what I want to “be” when I grow up. When am I gonna figure this life-stuff out? I feel like 42 years and 5 months of age should be sufficient in helping me determine a direction and a path but, here we are.
I feel stuck and uninspired and I just want to spread peace, love, joy and glitter.
(Can I get a real job hugging all the broken people and telling them everything will be ok?)
These next few weeks, I’m hoping to pare down and de-clutter and be more mindful and meaningful about what’s important to ME in this world that I share with the people I love. I feel like 2020 needs to bring about a more focused and intentional ME.
Wish me luck!
All the love. Always.
In no particular order:
– Waiting for an apology that is never gonna come is exhausting. You may as well let that that shit go and keep it moving.
– Silence is an answer. Accept it as such.
– You are the only person that you will spend the rest of your life with 24/7 so you had better make sure that you love you. I’m so serious.
– Don’t be too big/proud/too much of an asshole to admit your own faults. Be humble. Have grace. Apologize when you should.
– You don’t have to be the kind of person that hurt you. You’re better than that.
– If it seems too good to be true, it is. On some very basic level, you already know this but for some reason we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
– No matter who gives up on you, don’t give up on yourself.
– Remember who you were before the world tried to break you. Get back up and try again. Maybe take a nap first.
– Keep going. Keep trying. Keep smiling. Keep shining.
I hope you have some.
I can literally name 3 true hearts and humans that I still have in my life and world and I’m grateful for them.
I used to believe that I had more.
But when the shit goes down in the big and ugliest of ways, you find out fast and in a hurry who will be left in the end, and for me, I have 3.
One of the hard lessons was realizing that those people who I believed were my “ride or die” tribe members were more than ready to bail and exit stage left when things became unpredictable and less than socially acceptable.
I quickly learned new ways the heart can break.
But more importantly, I’ve learned and grown and changed in so many ways and become a better support for myself and my own heart.
I’ve learned to love me. Flaws and all.
I don’t struggle to be “seen” or approved of.
I just am.
I’m comfortable in my own skin and don’t feel like I have anything to prove to anyone other than the person who I’m living the rest of my life with — the person I see in the mirror for my forever. She is me.
I’ve have also found that there can be pockets of normal even in the middle of awful. Pockets of amazing in between the chaos. Pockets of hope in between the loneliness.
And, to my 3 true ride or die humans: you know who you are and I love you.
And that’s enough.
I believe this down to my bones, y’all.
The harder your journey, the more strength you gain — and with that strength, hopefully, we also find some grace; and the ability and desire to give back.
The only way forward is through. And, sometimes that journey is hard and heavy and the last thing anyone needs is to feel isolated and alone.
So when you’re out of your own personal storm, I hope you find the hope at the end of whatever rainbow life gives you. I hope you take some time to be a light in someone else’s journey.
This world needs you to shine.
Much love and happy weekend. ❤️
I learned this yesterday.
While grief and pain and worry are heavy burdens to carry, especially on you’re own, so too is joy and excitement and good news.
Everyone knows and expects that the negative emotions are gonna make you feel low and weighed down. That’s why we lean on our systems of support. To lesson our load and share the weight so that our pieces of pain may feel a little less heavy to carry – even for a few moments.
That’s not to say it still doesn’t suck.
But sharing your grief, your shame, your sadness and your worry helps. Somehow, giving oxygen to what worries our hearts and minds and sharing it with another soul is soothing.
But what I didn’t realize, until yesterday, is that joy and happiness and excitement and really good news can also feel heavy and make us weighed down.
We’re meant to give oxygen to our happiness and share it as well.
The best parts of our lives are meant to be appreciated and honored with those who we love and who also love us back. Not having a system of support to help us carry the weight of really happy and good news can feel almost burdensome, too.
And that surprised me.
I’ve been grateful for the people who have been in my corner while I have weathered some horrible storms. But just as important as those who helped to carry me through the tough stuff are those who stand with me and smile and are excited for me and my happiness and my life “wins”.
I hope you have people to celebrate with.
When there’s no one to call when you’re bursting at the seams with joy, that joy can quickly feel muted or less than.
And it absolutely shouldn’t.
So find your cheerleading section, y’all. We need those people who clap for us and smile with us just as much as we need those folks who help us when we’re down.