A Year Ago Today

Things went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye.

Not many people know my entire story and I share it sparingly because I’ve been judged harshly. Not many people supported the choices I made. I’ve lost friends and loved ones along the way and I’ve made choices that I’ve been utterly ashamed of.

But ultimately, my truth today, in this moment, is that I’m proud of who I am.

The road I walked to get to where I am between July 1, 2018 to July 1, 2019 has been anything but pretty. I wouldn’t wish the things I’ve seen and lived through on anyone.

Not ever.

But guess what?

I’m. Still. Standing.

I’m still standing, y’all.

I’m smiling again.

I have a peace deep down that I’ve never known before.

I miss the people I’ve lost.

Every day I want to pick up the phone but I know that there’s nothing good to come of that. I’m simply not who I was then and I don’t want to be that person ever again.

I don’t want to WANT and crave approval and acceptance because I’ve learned the hard lessons of what unconditional love actually is.

I’m grateful for those who helped me get through my journey to the place I am now and I’m sorry that some of those people aren’t with me as I continue on my path forward.

The reasons, I know, are many and scattered and there are a multitude of why and what if’s.

So be it.

I can only pray for their peace, too.

I wish them well.

I hope that one day I will have the courage to share my WHOLE story. Unashamed and raw.

Maybe that will be my goal for July 1, 2020.

Until then, friends, keep shining.

Keep moving forward.

Don’t look back.

All the love.

All the days.

xoxo

Oops! I did it again.

I seem to have fallen back into the bad habits that I promised to quit over the last few weeks.

The “trying to prove I’m worthy of love” thing. The “look at me! Here I am. Act like you love me” thing.

It’s not a good look, y’all.

It’s also not a good feeling when you’re texting and messaging and hoping for some vague acknowledgment of your existence on the planet as a human being of value and worth.

Here’s what I know for sure (and that I need to remind myself of again):

– Love is free.

– Love is perfect.

– Love doesn’t demand a single thing from me. It simply IS.

I’m ever grateful for the beautiful souls that I walk this world with that accept me for me and love me; even on the hard days.

The people in your life that matter should never make you believe that you’re hard to love. Because you’re not. Not for the hearts who are truly meant to love you.

Always,

xoxo

Quotable

Writing my Way Forward

Writing has become my own personal therapy. My new best friend. My person who will listen without judgement. My true ride or die. I’ve learned that I have to be all of these things for myself because others who promised they’d never leave and would be with me “all the days no matter what” have gone.

I write to feel heard. I write to make sense of the chaos and to understand and to be understood.

I write and I share and I try make sense of the things that I struggle with and I hope that my story resonates with others who have similar struggles.

I hope you know you’re not alone and I hope you know that there are people in the same boat — just different bodies of water; in different places with different destinations.

Keep rowing your boat. Rest when you need to but keep going.

All the love. All the days.

xoxo

What I’m LOVING this Wednesday!

Happy First Day of Spring, friends!  We made it through the Winter — officially.  (Living in Virginia, where we often experience all 4-seasons in any given week, it’s questionable that it’s really “Spring” but we’ll just go along with the calendar saying so.)

It’s been a fun but stressful week here in my little world but I’m still LOVING some things that have eased my stresses, so here goes!

1.  Reading is my escape from reality these days – it’s FABULOUS to be able to check out from the grind and daily nonsense and this week I got absolutely lost in this book – I got the Kindle edition from Amazon and stayed up until the wee hours just to finish it because I got completely sucked in.  It’s a def  MUST READ.  Apple Tree Yard by Louise Doughty.  Apparently, there’s also a mini-series of sorts on the BBC but I haven’t checked that out yet.  Let me know if you have and if you recommend it:).
2. In true celebration of Spring time, I got a hair cut this weekend – just a trim and shape up really.  But it’s at that “just got cut and doesn’t really do what I tell it to” stage so I’m loving this stuff that my friend Erica recommended: SGX NYC The-Do-It-All.  It’s a dry shampoo meets hairspray concoction that refreshes and smells fabulous and also lightly holds a style.  This stuff is super yummy, y’all.
3. Aromatherapy is my new jam.  I love everything in my home and environment smelling like roses, rainbows and sunshine.  It’s been a hard week – I know I already said that – BUT, this stuff is what’s up and I cannot get enough of it: Spray the Bitch Away.  “An aromatherapy spray for when you’re irritated, pissed off, annoyed, tired, peeved, frustrated, enraged, and have an overall bad attitude!” is their own description of this stuff and it’s PERFECT. It includes Rose Geranium and Clary Sage, Lavender, Bergamot, and Frankincense, which all have a calming effect. Let’s breathe.
4. I’ve needed hella inspiration this week.  If you need some too, my latest favorite human that we share this planet with is Tanya Markul aka the Thug Unicorn.  Check out her poetry and words and find your way forward.  (There’s even a tee-shirt and it’s super cute on her site.  At least I can wear something to remind me of my voice when I’m down.)
5. This week’s favorite quote:”May you always be the one who notices the little things that make the light pour through, and may they always remind you: There is more to life and there is more to you. ” – Morgan Harper Nichols

xoxo Always,

#keepshining