There is No Finish Line

And no one told me. I’ve walked around clueless and uninformed for almost 19 years.

Somewhere along the way I decided that once I got my kids through high school, graduated and off to college that I would feel some level of relief at a “job well done”. That was the imaginary finish line in my head that was my aim and direction. He graduates from high school then he magically does the adulting and I’m gonna coast, right?

Now that I’m one week away from taking my oldest to college, I’m consumed with all kinds of emotions and worries as I realize (probably late) that I’m not done.

My job isn’t done.

We crossed off some milestones but he’s still one of my reasons for being. And that won’t ever change. Even when he does the adulting.

I can’t help but wonder if he’s ready. If he’s been given the tools he needs to be whatever his version of successful and happy looks like.

Did I do the Momming right?

How do we ever really know?

In the meantime, since I missed the memo, to the Mommas of younger kids, here’s your reminder:

THERE IS NO FINISH LINE.

The milestones and checkboxes and worries are different now that he’s grown and about to be off on his own. Rather than worrying about his grades or his homework, I find that I worry about his overall well-being. I want him to feel safe and secure and happy in the world at large. The fact that he will now do that away from me and his family is so very scary. I won’t be able to peak a look at his face or yell upstairs when he’s being loud and crazy. I won’t be able to see his frustrated face on the bad days and help him process and feel better.

I’m grateful that we can stay in touch with FaceTime and all of the nifty tech gadgets but my goodness how much I will miss his presence and his energy and his hugs.

There is no finish line.

It’s Probably Hard to Be My Kids

I came to this grand conclusion this week.

I’m aware that I’m loud, awkward and extra.

That’s probably a hard reality for my kids who are currently teenagers.

But they’ve never known me any other way.

For all of my flaws, they know without a shadow of a doubt that they get all of me — always.

I probably over share. I’m probably too vocal about so many things. But they will never have to question where they stand or wonder what I’m thinking. They know that I will always keep it real. Authenticity is my thing and I don’t hide my mistakes from them. They know that I’m learning as I go. And my hope is that that will give them permission to be flawed and fabulous and beautiful souls walking this earth, too.

I don’t want them to ever have the thought “oh, shit. What’s Mom gonna do?”. I don’t want them to fear being real and sometimes broken or overwhelmed or stressed because my goal is to always be their soft place to land. That’s not to say that I don’t correct them and lose my patience with them when they do things that are not so great; I will always be their Momma and my job is also to guide them and let them know when they’ve gone astray and help them back in the right direction.

But my love never waivers. Not for a single minute. Not ever even for a moment.

They get the best of me and I’m so proud of the young human beings that they are growing into.

Always,

xoxo

Lessons from the Mom-ing

With Mother’s Day quickly approaching, it feels right to share some lessons I’ve learned on my 17-year journey of the Mom-ing.

– My job is to be a soft place for my kids to land. The world is hard and heavy enough and I should be absolute & unconditional for them. That’s not to say that I always agree with them. But I always love them. And I will always love them through the hard parts. Always.

– I learn from them every single day. Whether it’s a new way to view the world at large or strange teen-lingo talk that they use regularly. I’ve learned that sometimes I’m “extra” or “basic” and my daughter loves to tell me “Mom, you do too much” when I’m being the “extra” or the “basic”. They both teach me to laugh at myself.

– They teach me what matters and what my priorities should be. Sometimes, as a Mom, I need to be reminded. Life is fast and hectic. Slowing down to yell and/or cheer at a baseball game or a volleyball game that they are playing brings me back to center. I will always be their biggest fan.

– I didn’t know my heart could love THIS MUCH and continue to grow every single day along with them. Whoever said that thing about “being a Mom is like learning to live with your heart walking around outside your body” sure got it right. My heart is now a 17 year old junior in high school taking his SAT prep courses and an 8th grader getting ready for her Spring Formal this weekend.

-There’s nothing about them that I’d ever change. I accept them for who they are and love them with all of me. Honestly, that’s not only my job but an honor and a privilege. I don’t know how the Universe chose to bless me with them, but I am ever grateful.

Here’s one of my most favorite pics of my little hearts (who were already taller than me several years ago) and I on my wedding day.

Darian & Delaney, your Momma loves you.

xoxo

Always.